Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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