I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
