Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I could make wine with my vomit
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
