I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
