you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
