Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
