6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
