her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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