dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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