I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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