Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
And then he peed in my hair
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