im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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