She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
sex in a hospital.. check
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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