Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
