just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
