Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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