I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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