My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
