I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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