I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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