Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
