I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
