don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
