Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
