well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
