it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Floor bacon is actually really good
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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