You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
