I wish I could teleport
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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