my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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