Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sext me about skeletons
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?