Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
