i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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