i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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