I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
