remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
