I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
