So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
