my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
