I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
