i permit you to call me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
