If i could tip my vagina, i would.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
