Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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