I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
