this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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