im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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