how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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