I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
