I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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