dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
