I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
