I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
