i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
