i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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