Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
